If You Don't Know How to "Listen to What You Need," You're Not Alone...
We know it's important to tune into our brain and bodies to listen for what it is we need...but what if we don't know how to do it?
I’m going to start with a story, and then I’ll add a note at the bottom about what I think this means for us as parents and adults.
In Therapy…
Client (young adult): I have a really hard time knowing what I need…what’s real and what’s not.
Therapist: Tell me more…do you remember a time when you knew what you needed?
Client: I think I knew what I needed as a kid. But then it go confusing. I played a lot of soccer, and I’d get out of breath easy. My coach said I should get checked for asthma, so I told my parent and they said I just needed to get in “better shape.” In college I got diagnosed with asthma and finally have an inhaler. I also remember running so hard on the basketball court, because I love playing that occasionally I would throw up after the game. My mom would get mad at me saying I didn’t eat enough throughout the day and that was why I got sick I remember thinking, but I never see you eat… And I wanted to be good like her.
Therapist: I hear stories like this often, you are definitely not alone. And still, you deserved to be listen to and heard. As we become adults, we start to realize that our parents were imperfect, and they definitely had their limitations. We’re allowed to both feel angry for their shortcoming and still hold empathy and love for them. And,
I think it makes a lot of sense that you have a hard time knowing and then believing that what you feel is real. But being that you’re sitting here, wanting to know yourself better and learn to care for yourself in the way that you need to be cared for says a lot about how far you’ve come and where you’re headed.
Let’s Talk About It…
I have met with enough people to know that they really want to care for themselves better and experience less anxiety, stress and overwhelm. One of the most curious and concerning things I’ve noticed over the years is that while people often have the best intentions to change, they struggle to find out what it is they want or need to do to feel better, or to find a sense of ease.
We hear about how important it is to engage in self-care, put our oxygen mask on first, etc. but the ability to tune in to what we need, just like any other skill, is something that is learned over time. So what if we never learned? If you were constantly told what you “should” want, need, or feel as a child and young adult, it’s likely very hard for you as an adult to understand what you actually want, need, or feel.
Self-care is a nuances and complicated topic, but if this resonates with you, I hope you’ll think about two things. First, how important it is to encourage our own children to tune into what it is their thinking and feeling in their body, and then just…allow them to feel it. This can be uncomfortable, I know, because we want to “fix” or speed up whatever painful process they’re moving through- but when we do that, we are pulling them further away from being attuned with their self. And, as you can see in the story I shared about a client, this becomes problematic later in life. Second, if you don’t know what it is you want/need when it comes to self-care I encourage you to be open to trying and failing. That means we may try a yoga class or two (and hate it), we may sign up for a pottery class, take up hiking, or try a massage. For a lot of people self-care involves movement, nature, connection and/or relaxation. You’ll have to try some things, and then turn inward and listen to what is that feels good and what doesn’t.
Lastly, in order to engage in self-care and growth we need to have some agency over our time…and we need to believe we deserve the time and space in the first place.
I do A LOT of reading, so if that’s your thing, I highly recommend you check out these two new books: The Perfectionists Guide to Loosing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler and Real Self-Care by
coming out March 14th!P.s. I do have a couple of spots open on my schedule for this spring, and I’m planning on doing some in-person and virtual workshops. You can check out my therapy practice here, and reach out if you’d like to schedule.